Pray for your kids
In my last blog, I advised parents to monitor their kids. Well, the reality is we can not monitor them 24/7. Weep if we will, we must at some point send our kids away from our protective presence and into what is definitely a dangerous world. What shall we do at such send-away times? How do we continue to parent our kids well even while they are gone?
Pray for them! That's right, you can still be a protective parent from a distance if you will just pray for your kids while they are away from you. For isolating your children from the world, their other parent or anybody and anything else is not a good strategy for raising them right. Don't isolate your kids; insulate them with prayer.
Studies have shown that prayer is good for your health. Your new practice will reveal that prayer is good for your kids' health as well.
Category: Supervision
Posted by Conderidge Smith on Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 12:02 PMHate surprises? Monitor your kids!
Do you like surprises? I don't! Not for my birthday, your birthday or any day - especially in my role as a parent.
Why do I so loathe looking into the face of the until-now-unknown? Because it makes me feel ignorant or oblivious.
Two of my friends and fellow parents recently got some major suprises from their children. One mother recently found a gay triangle and a love letter from her son to another man on her home computer. Her son had told her he was focusing on books not women. She was surprised when she found out he was dating college men and not high school girls.
Another friend of mine found out his daughter wasn't talking on her phone, she was texting - a total $2,000 worth for this month alone. What a surprise!
Now do you see why I hate surprises? What can one do to deal with them? Monitor your children! My son is only 2, and already I am watching him like a hawk. "Nobody messed with you anywhere, right?", I ask him. Why the interrogation so early? Because I hate surprises and so should you. Monitor your children and you can avoid some surprises.
Category: Public policy
Posted by Kevin OShea on Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 12:28 PMBooster seat law: good policy or nanny state run amok?
Beth Valone has a thoughtful piece in the MichMoms blog about a new Michigan law many dads may be unaware of: Starting July 1, children under 8 or under 4'9" must use a booster seat in the car or their parents will face a costly ticket.
The law came up at a PTA meeting at my children's school last month and the reaction was almost unanimous: Government ought to stay out of our lives and, by the way, don't those politicians have more pressing matters to confront? I wonder where it all ends.
Although there's no question that the increased use of booster seats will curb injuries to children, the same could be said about any number of regulations. The state could require children to wear padded suits, too, but no one (at least to my knowledge) has suggested it.
I suppose how you feel about this issue comes down to your philosophy of government: Should the state be dictating to parents what steps they should take to make their children safer or not? I say not, although I have no problem with educational campaigns to encourage greater booster seat use. Just don't spend my tax dollars running them.
Category: Book raffle
Posted by Beth Reeber Valone on Mon, Jun 16, 2008 at 3:42 PMWin books for traveling, discovering nature
With the summer travel and "free time" season upon us, I've got a couple of cool books to share.
The first, "How to Fit a Car Seat on a Camel: And Other Misadventures Traveling with Kids" edited by Sarah Franklin, will make all of your vacation misadventures seem like a trip to DisneyWorld.
Here's a description from the publisher, Seal Press: "'How to Fit a Car Seat on a Camel' is an anthology of outrageous stories about the inherent misadventures that revolve around traveling with kids. Whether the trip is with newborn triplets or with moody teens, a road trip to the beach or a European vacation, each story will resonate with parents who hit the road or the tarmac with kids in tow."
In the next book, "I Love Dirt! 52 Activities to Help You and Your Kids Discover the Wonders of Nature," award-winning children's book author and nature lover Jennifer Ward creates a collection of fun, interactive ways for you and your kids to connect with nature and get active. It also answers a lot of those questions I wish I had the answer to, such as what are worms?, why are there so many colors in nature? and why do trees lose their leaves in the fall?
If you'd like to win a copy of either book, send an e-mail to MichDads@detnews.com with BOOK RAFFLE in the subject line and the book you'd like along with your name, mailing address and phone number. Submit by midnight Sunday and I'll announce the winner early next week. Good luck!
And congratulations to Jeff who won the last book raffle!
Category: Life lessons
Posted by Conderidge Smith on Mon, Jun 16, 2008 at 12:14 PMEvery minute counts
I know of a man who tutors high school students for tests of academic aptitude and achievement, such as the ACT and SAT. He is an Ivy League alumn, believed to be the best at what he does and possesses a proven track record of success in sending students to Yale and the like. Therefore, he charges $60 an hour for his services. When someone asks him why, he simply points to a a place on his business card that says, "Every minute counts."
What a life lesson! What a reminder of what really matters! What a wakeup call for those who have been wasting time with their children, either because they are parents with no time limits on parenting opportunity who have grown ungrateful or because they have simply forgotten the fact that just as it is in the business of test preparation so it is in the business of parenting: "Every minute counts."
So try to make every minute you spend with your child or children as purposeful as possible. First, have a purpose as a parent. Don't just have children. Differentiated from dogs and roaches and all the other species of life that have offspring, parent with a purpose that is greater than the mere survival of your young.
For example, my purpose as a parent is to be a father after God's own heart. Therefore, the first thing I do with my son every time I am with him is pray and teach him to pray. Secondly, I peruse aloud Joshua Chapter 1, a pericope of the Bible that not only transfers to him the truths of our faith but teaches him to read in general; thus, I kill two birds with one stone, another skill necessary to make every minute count. Third, I prepare my son a healthy meal. I want him to eat more better than my parents or I did, so I pick more nutritious ingredients and let him help me mix them and make meals that will help, not hurt, his health. For example, we just made oatmeal raisin cookies together, and he loved licking the mixing spoon bound with batter as we both laughed and leaned on the counter!
Fourth and finally, after we pray, peruse scripture and partake in a meal together, it is time to play. "It's play time, son! Do whatever you like!"
"I am going to ride horsey," my son might say. Or, "Turn on 'Sesame Street,' please, Da-da. I like 'Sesame Street'!"
Either is OK with me. Already I am intentionally teaching Joshua, my son, to make his own decisions and that life at its best is life that is balanced.
"Time's up," I say at the end of the play, the end of the day. "Let's get ready for bed. Give Dad a kiss. Then, go put on your PJ's. Get your milk. And let's get ready to say our prayers and thank God for another day," I say to Joshua.
"Thank God for another day?" Joshua asks, with eyebrows lifted and nose frowned. "Yes, son, thank God for another day because every minute counts." He smiles. I smile. We smile together and laugh like only father and son can. We pray, read the story of Joshua at Jericho, kiss each other and fall asleep. Every minute has counted.
However many minutes you have to parent the children God has graciously given you, remember that every minute counts. Make each minute count for something consequential. Every individual of importance on the earth, including Jesus himself, had parents. So parent with a purpose, and only God knows what wonderful people you may produce.
Category: Father's Day
Posted by Kevin OShea on Sun, Jun 15, 2008 at 9:59 AMWe need dads now more than ever
In honor of Father's Day, I wanted to pass along the words of Sam Brownback as quoted in nationalreview.com, a U.S. senator from Kansas who has been one of the most eloquent advocates of involved fatherhood among our political leaders. Happy Father's Day!
"The nuclear family has had a difficult time in the United States. The number of never-married young adults has grown dramatically. Half of all new marriages now end in divorce. The number of cohabiting couples has grown tenfold since 1970 -- now over 5 million. And while out-of-wedlock births have soared to one-third of all U.S. births, the birthrate for married couples has been cut almost in half since 1960.
"For the first time in our history, a large number of children have grown up without a father present in the household. That sad fact now makes it commonplace for social scientists to contrast outcomes for those children with their peers in intact families.
"By every conceivable measure, children with fathers present in the household fare significantly better on average than their peers without a dad around. According to a summary on the research recently released by the Heritage Foundation, these children tend to fare better in cognitive achievement, exhibit fewer behavioral problems, have better psychological well-being, are less likely to engage in delinquency and substance abuse, are less likely to be incarcerated, and achieve higher levels of educational attainment.
"All this is not to say that single moms cannot raise good children. They can, and do so valiantly, every day. But there's no arguing the fact that, statistically, the tough job of raising a child is easier to do with dad involved.
"And we need to get more dads involved, for the sake of their children and for the sake of our nation's future. More and more children, unfortunately, are victims of broken or single-parent homes. The social costs of this fact are staggering. I think it's fair to say that most of the social problems we grapple with as a nation have their roots in family breakdown. Whether you are talking about crime, the crisis in education, poverty, illegitimacy, addiction, or other behavior-related public health issues, the correlation with family breakdown -- and specifically with father-absence -- is abundantly documented in the social-science research.
"It's clear that if we want to get a handle on the growth of government, we have to get a handle on strengthening the family. In large part, this is because family instability increases dependence on government, while family stability reduces it. If family breakdown continues in the United States with the role of fathers in families continuing to decline and weaken, a continuous increase in government spending to address the problems directly associated with the breaking up of the natural family structure is inevitable. If we want to limit the growth and intrusiveness of government, that goal can only be achieved if family, churches, community, and civil society organizations are robust. In short, our political future, our continued economic growth and vitality, and our ability to limit the growth of government will all be determined by whether or not we are able to arrest the breakdown of the family.
"The costs to our society are financial as well as social. A recent study by the Institute for American Values concluded that the breakdown of marriage costs taxpayers at least $112 billion each year. Just to put things in perspective, that's more, on average, than we have spent each year on the war in Iraq.
"The evidence is clear: stable marriages, and the commitment of fathers to their families, confer vast benefits on children, adults, and society at large. This Father's Day, let's take the opportunity not only to thank dad, but to recommit ourselves as a nation to the family ideal that faithful fathers represent."
Category: Father's Day
Posted by Kevin OShea on Thu, Jun 12, 2008 at 7:38 AMFathers Fest fun for all
Looking for something fun to do on the day before Father's Day? Don't miss Fathers Fest, a terrific event featuring food, music, family games, arts and crafts, all in a covered pavilion at Licht Park in Warren (12 1/2 Mile near Hoover)from noon until 5 p.m. Saturday.
This second annual event is presented by a coalition of fathering groups, including The Mankind Project, Dads and Moms of Michigan and Partnership for Dads.
The day's activities will also feature a brief talk by Roger McPhail, director of the City of Detroit's Fatherhood Program, and an Honoring Ceremony for dads. It's an incredible value at $5 for adults and $1 for children. Bring the whole family and grill-friendly picnic food to enjoy the park and the company.
You'll find more information at windsordetroit@mkp.org or by calling 248-559-3237.
Category: Father's Day
Posted by Aaron Hightower on Wed, Jun 4, 2008 at 12:16 PMHappy Father's Day, Dad (muah)
My dad was a kisser.
No matter how old his kids were, no matter where we were or who was around, he would plant one on us. One time, he was so proud about my high school graduation that he planted the plunger on my cheek right in the middle of the mall. The embarrassment was unbearable. I immediately looked around to see if anyone was watching.
Then, I told him that it's not cool for him to kiss me. After all, I am a high school senior with a reputation to protect! He laughed but I could tell I had thrown cold water on his joy. After that, he really tried to restrain himself from kissing me.
Now, I have kids. And I kiss them all the time. Who would have thought it? I never really felt the magnitude of my dad's hurt when I told him not to kiss me ... until last month.
I dropped my son off at school and as I usually do, came in to talk to his teacher. I finished talking to the teacher, told him goodbye and gestured for a hug. He knows that my hugs are usually coupled with kisses. He walked over to receive the hug but slipped out of it before the kiss came.
He slipped out like a wrestler coming out of a hold. I wound up kissing the air. I turned my head and he was already turning into his classroom. All I could think about was my dad. I must have had the same look on my face he had face at the mall. I think I finally know what he felt like.
My dad died in 2001. I wish I could see him again. I wish I could kiss him for Father's Day. I wish I could kiss him for his 69th birthday tomorrow.
Happy birthday, Dad.
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
I love you, (muah).
Category: Custody
Posted by Conderidge Smith on Tue, Jun 3, 2008 at 8:34 PMDo the courts care?
It seems I had heard it a million times from a million men, not a few furious, frustrated, fighting and sometimes, fainting fathers: "The courts don't care." But like so many other items of information that I considered irrelevant because they did not directly affect me, I dismissed these declarations of indifference, even unfriendliness at the Friend of the Court and Family Courts of Michigan, as frequently spoken, and thus, familiar, hearsay, but not necessarily fact.
Then that day, or rather that night, came. It was 8:15 pm. Three sheriff deputies showed up, dressed in black and, literally, dressed to kill, clad with clubs, guns and the like.
"Is Conderidge Smith here?", one officer asked.
"This is he," I answered. "Is something wrong?"
"You've been served" is all I was told. And just like that, the police put a piece of paper in my hand and departed as quickly and violently as they had come. The contest for my son commenced.
Since that time, I have been to court several times, pursuing impartial treatment in the form of joint physical custody and equal parenting time of my son. What has happened? I have been laughed at by lawyers, including my own. I have been told to settle by the same. One Friend of the Court officer asked my ex, instead of me, "How much does he make?" and asked me "Why do you want more time? Most men only get weekends." Then I was given a total of eight hours per week - four hours each Wednesday and Thursday. That's just enough time to pick up my son, pee and part from him again, all while he asks, "Am I spending the night?" and weeps when I tell him, "No, not this time, son".
When I complained about the schizophrenic schedule I was given, I was told by my lawyer at the time, "I fought for some extra time. You wanted it. I got it for you. Eight hours is good."
Today, to add insult to all my injuries, I was told by Elaine Bryant, a Family Counselor at the Oakland County Friend of the Court, that my son's constant crying at having to be taken back to his mother was "my problem" and my "choice" and "quite normal".
"Just because something is normal," I bit my lip to refrain from saying, "does not mean it is acceptable."
"Quite normal." Her casually conferred comment endlessly echoed in my ear, like a clanging cymbal smashed by a teenager in a fit of rage.
After all these dismissive, dumbfounding and ultimately discriminatory descriptions from the lips of those sworn to protect "the best interest of the child" (Michigan Child Custody Act, MCL 722.23), I have joined that host of hurt and, therefore, hurting men -- and weeping, and therefore, weary women -- who know from all too painful experience that the courts do not care.
Most cases concerning custody are settled in six minutes, according to James M. Alexander, an Oakland County Circuit Court judge in the family division at an orientation for divorced parents, i.e., SMILE (Start Making It Liveable for Everyone).
I think most kids are treated as heartless cases, rather than human faces with hurting hearts, fragile feelings and immature minds in a maze, trying to make sense of what is often senseless, selfish, sinister and sinful powerplaying from at least one parent who is more concerned about himself or herself than the child in the chains of the challenge of a lifetime.
Most women are assumed to be the most fit parent, and thus are given more time to parent than men. It seems most men are treated as court impostors, rather than co-parents deserving equal everything. They are told to pay child support, and sent, however un-merrily, on their way to weep and work - not necessarily so they may participate in the child's life, but so they can mandatorily pay child support or else, as if money is all the support a child needs from his or her father.
Add up all of this and the sum is this: While children are crying outside and dying inside from carelessly crafted custody agreements, court officials are operating on an assembly line of indifference toward the children and animosity toward fathers. Why? Because the courts do not care.
Category: Father's Day
Posted by Larry Herren on Fri, May 30, 2008 at 5:00 PMA daddy's love is universal
With Father's Day fast approaching, I've found myself increasingly preoccupied with what it all means to be a dad.
I'm intrigued with the way this blog site has illustrated that we all have our own experiences and circumstances that we draw from to answer such a question. I'm equally intrigued about how some of our experiences are as different as night and day. But still, it's a daddy's love that seems to be universal and brings us together and in some ways, important ways, defines the measure of a man.
I've enjoyed reading, for example, how some of us are blessed with co-parents, wives, who have been nothing less than our greatest fan and an otherwise stabilizing force in our busy lives. Their love and support has served these men well in their efforts to be all that their children need them to be.
Others of us have not been as fortunate. We've been forced to search out other sources of support as we answer various challenges to our efforts to maintain constancy in our children's lives. We've stood firm in adversity and willingly walked through the fire because like all of us, in each example, we love our kids.
We love our kids in a way that is more spiritual than can perhaps be explained and to a depth that is unique to anything else I've ever experienced. I love life and most of the time it all makes perfect sense, but I have to admit, once in a while the only thing that makes sense on a daily basis is being my son's dad. Of course that's probably an easy statement for me to make right now, with my son at just 4 years old. I understand it might have more profound meaning if I can put this same statement in writing when he turns, say, 15. But today is all any of us really have and mine is filled with challenge and wonder, commitment and dedication and the clearest purpose I have ever known.
Most of all, my life is filled with love. When that love is expressed, when my child looks to me with complete and unquestioned trust for my guidance, asks for my reassurance and seeks my affirmation, it's then that I quickly forget about any struggles I might be facing and I just thank God for the privilege to be my little boy's dad.
Being what D.J. needs, as a dad, as a man, that's what being a dad is for me and the measure of a man that I hope will make him proud and bring integrity to his life that he can use to develop his own and continue this legacy that is truly the greatest a man can ever leave.
