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Category: Summer and kids

Absence does make the heart grow fonder

This past week, my niece has been spending part of her summer vacation at her grandma's, my mom. This has been enjoyable for her because she LOVES being with grandma and she's been able to spend time with her own mother, as well as reconnect with her former schoolmates.

She's been away for almost a week, our longest separation since she came to live with me in late December. I'm not sure why, but, I thought that once she arrived at her grandma's I would be the one to call to see how she's doing. Surprisingly, that's not the case.

Every morning, afternoon and evening she's called me to update me on what she's currently doing, what she plans to do and what she wants to do when she comes back home. At first, I thought my mom was encouraging her to call and check in but, once she started to call three and four times a day I knew that was not the case. And, guess what? I am thrilled about this!

We have really connected and have grown close to each other these past few months. It's such a nice feeling to have her call and check in to see what's been going on while she's been away and tell me about her day. While it's been nice living my former child-free life, I am truly looking forward to her return home.

How's your summer going? Have your kids spent time away with their grandparents or family members? If so, what are you doing with your free time?

Category: Technology

Does technology make it easy NOT to communicate?

I don't know about you, but I have way too many ways people can reach me without ever really talking to me. When it comes to really communicating, I'm not so sure that's a good thing. I have email at home and at work. I totally get that email is expedient, but I've found it to be an excuse for some people to say things they never would if they had to actually use their words -- verbally. I simply do not allow email to substitute for voice-on-voice contact with my kids.

That's another issue entirely.

I have voice mail at both my office and on my cell. Most people who want to talk to me -- family and friends -- know my work schedule and daily whereabouts and can reach me anytime on my cell. I recently got rid of my home land line and message machine. Why else would you call me somewhere you know I won't be when you can actually reach me at a number you know I will answer other than not to actually communicate with me by just leaving a message?

Which brings me back to my obsession and need for voice-on-voice contact.

Lately, my kids have gotten into the habit of text messaging me. Don't get me wrong, I believe their messages are well intended, "I didn't have time to call and I didn't want you to worry." Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but some of their messages are beginning to translate into "I'll call you later when I'm done doing all the really important things I have to do!"

I recently told my daughter not to use texting to schedule me into her busy day. I'd much rather be surprised when I answer my phone and hear her voice.

Before my mom died I must have called her at least 4 times a day. Sure, sometimes it was just to check and see if she was still alive, but most of the time it was just to talk, ask her advice or tell her about something that had just happened.

Even though her telephone has been disconnected for months, I still find myself grabbing my phone on the way out of work and dialing her number -- still wishing she'd pick up and I could hear the love in her voice.

That's communication you can't get from an email or test message.

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Category: Letting go

The older they get, the more you worry

Tomorrow is a big day for our family. My daughter, Emily and her boyfriend, Ernest are taking the medical boards. They've been studying like a full time job for five weeks, at least 10 hours a day including weekends.

My husband and I have been imparting our words of wisdom. He tells Emily what he used to when she was little and he was teaching her to ride a bike, drive a car, deal with a boyfriend, "Don't look where you're going to crash!" Now I'm not exactly sure why the race car analogy but it's meant to be a confidence booster.

I on the other hand told Emily and Ernest that the medical boards are a lot like pregnancy. When you first hear you're having a baby you are scared to death. "How can anyone possibly survive delivery?" "Will I be a good mom?" Nine months later, you're so ready to get that little person out of your body, you are simply ready. After five straight weeks of studying, Emily and Ernest are simply ready to take those boards.

As for me, I'm a nervous wreck just thinking about the eight hour test. Personally, I'd rather have the baby.

I'm also worried about my son Michael's first driving trip out of New York City this weekend. Even though I worry about my kids in New York, I don't worry about them getting behind the wheel of a car because they don't drive around the city. It was one of my biggest fears when they each started driving, that they would be hurt in a car accident. I didn't have an analogy for Mike's trip to Pennsylvania, just lots of reminders to be careful and to drive carefully and to exercise due caution.

My husband and I sat across from a young couple with two small children tonight at dinner. They were busy feeding and wiping and passing out rewards for good behavior. I couldn't help but think how easy those days were, when you could just reach across the table and wipe their tears, hold their hand, calm their fears.

No matter how old Emily and Michael get, or how far away they move, I will always worry about their travels, trials and fears. It's a lot harder when you can't just reach across the table.

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Category: Parent Coach

New Parent Coach column debuts

Alyssa Martina, publisher of Metro Parent magazine, is writing a weekly Parent Coach column for detnews.com that I think all moms will get something out of.

Alyssa is one of the area's primary experts on parenting. She founded the award-winning Metro Parent magazine empire in 1986 and is a certified Parent Coach in addition to being a mom to two college-age sons.

She's made it her life's work to give parents information and resources to help them do one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs of their lives: raise the next generation.

So check out her Parent Coach column at detnews.com/parentcoach and let us know what you think. If you have suggestions for future column topics, you can send them to Alyssa at amartina@metroparent.com.

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Category: Tooth Fairy

The Tooth Fairy went AWOL

The Tooth Fairy forgot to come to our house Sunday night. This is where you boo me as I feel sheepish.

Naw. Not really. I've already been there and done that, having dropped the ball on this one more than a decade ago with one of my older kids who are now grown and not scarred from it.

But thank God this was tooth No. 2 for my 4-year-old (yep, she's ahead of schedule), and not No. 1. That would have been a crusher.

For Zoe's sake, I hypothesized aloud that the Tooth Fairy might have skipped us on her route because Zoe got to bed too late that night. But she didn't deserve to shoulder any of the blame, so I also theorized aloud that maybe it was because the Tooth Fairy just had too many old teeth to pick up that night and ran out of time. She'd be back the next night for sure. Yet I knew deep down inside that the Tooth Fairy got too tired the night before and then just forgot.

Then next morning, some time after we had made our beds and resituated the tooth-in-waiting, Zoe went back and found the Tooth Fairy's gift. Not under the pillow where it was expected, but inside the pillow case. Once again, I theorized aloud that perhaps it had been there all along, though why the world the Tooth Fairy would leave her deposit inside the case rather than under it would be anybody's guess.

Whew! Anybody else have AWOL Tooth Fairy memories to share?

Category: Food

Am I creating a sweets monster?

Now that summer is here, it's time to play outdoors, go for walks and eat ice cream. In my eyes, summer is a time relax, spend time with family and friends and - my personal favorite - to indulge in food, especially ice cream.

Sadie was introduced to ice cream about a month ago. Her Papa just couldn't wait to introduce this tasty dessert to her diet. She did not provide him with the reaction he was going for at first but a couple of tries later, let's just say she takes after her mom.

I wonder to myself everyday if I am creating a monster with a few treats here and there. Seeing her eyes light up when she indulges into something sweet is priceless. Recently, I've read that once you provide sweets to a child at a young age they develop a sweet tooth and it's all down hill from that point forward.

How do you regiment your child's intake of sugar? At what age is it OK to let a child have a piece of cake, cookie or ice cream?

Category: Travel

I'm getting ready to ward off travel nightmares

I shuddered reading the news story earlier this month that this summer's flying season will be a nightmare. ("Jammed jets, higher fares add to summer flying woes").

Crowded flights? Check. Fees per bag to fly? Check. More layovers and possibly more cancellations? Check. Crabby and stressed out fliers? Definitely check.

Now imagine juggling all that with an 8-month-old baby who has special needs.

My husband and I are taking our daughter, Hope, to visit her grandparents in Maine next month. The flight will be Hope's first on an airplane and her longest journey away from home. The furthest Hope -- who has a rare genetic condition called Cornelia de Lange syndrome that involves a host of problems -- has been away from home so far was a two-hour road trip to Lansing. She did fine but she's usually a pretty happy camper in the car and I was sitting right next to her to keep her that way.

I tried to book a direct flight but only one option was offered at an astronomical price so that was ruled out. So I fiddled with dates and times and now we leave at 6:15 a.m. on a Thursday. We have a brief layover in New York and then we'll get to Portland, Maine, by late morning.

I know traveling for any parent is stressful. It's all about packing just enough gear to keep your child comfortable and occupied without sinking the plane. The Web site www.vacationkids.com recommends dressing your little one in layered clothes in case the plane is too stuffy or too drafty. It also recommends feeding your baby during takeoff and landing to help alleviate the pressure in his or her ears. Hope has tubes in her ears and conductive hearing loss so binkies and bottles will be a big must.

The single biggest thing parents can do to ensure a stress-free flight is be prepared. So I'm starting to work on my flying checklist now. Already on the "must pack" list: binkies, blankets, bottles, clothes and toys. It may cost $25 a bag but we'll be ready.

Category: Culture

Play is the business of childhood

Who would think that more people, highways and gathering places would create isolation? Would you believe that, in some cases, certain neighborhoods within cities provide better environments for childhood development than suburbs? And would you ever think of play was the newest creature on the overcrowded endangered species list? From just the little that I've seen and read, these are the discoveries made by producers of a recent film called "Where Do The Children Play?".

In the documentary, which sports an impressive roster of producers, writers, directors, technicians and consultants with ties to Western Michigan University and the University of Michigan, examined the differences between childhood play now and 50 years ago. Not stopping there, the producers also sought to examine differences in childhood growth and play in the three very different environments: the suburbs, the city and a Michigan island free of fast food and department stores.

Why all the fuss about play? Our children can make it up as they go along and are known to be even happier sprawled on the kitchen floor with popsicle sticks and pans than with fancy gadgets and pretty toys, right? They are certainly more imaginative with such things. Kids can play anywhere. Right? Well the problem is not so much the impulse to play but the time, space and importance alloted to it. These elements are are more key than we may realize, and they are reportedly shrinking, especially in the suburbs.

I haven't watched the film yet, but with a little thought about the subject it seems to me that without play in its various forms of curiosity, recreation, arts, humor, the ability to wonder and act on wonder, we adults could become pretty wacky - like all work and no play makes Jack become Borg - and we would not evolve or advance. "Play is the place where kids learn to master their environment," I'm reminded in a promo for the film. Makes sense.

Curiosity leads to scientific discovery. Little Susie's Legomania or incessant doodling today just might evolve into the architectural solutions of tomorrow. Before becoming adults, we are children, and what we call the play of childhood is how we came to understand all the elements of the world around us as well as how our individual talents, appetites and aptitudes fit into it. It's how we began comprehending everything, from the laws of physics, what goes up must come down, to the laws of consequence, if what comes down breaks.

So, if play is how kids, how we, begin the process of understanding from the very beginning, modern society's inadvertent sidelining and minimization of it is a considerably unhealthy problem. I understand the film points out that nature, the natural environment and once frequent first window to a child's wonder, is lacking for many more kids today than 50 years ago. That the time and space to safely roam and engage in freeform thought and play is declining to an undesirable degree. I'm sure they're right. So I'm curious. I'd like to watch the film to better understand the problem and learn whether there are things I can do, or am already doing as a mom, to counteract the compartmentalization of play.

The gentle Fred Rogers always said and reinforced that play is the business of childhood. It's the realm where many of us began the journey to pitcher, doctor, teacher, biologist, engineer ...

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Category: Car seats

New Michigan law boosts child safety seat use

Beginning July 1, all children under the age of 8 and shorter than 4'9" riding in a vehicle must be securely fastened in a child safety seat.

I applaud Michigan's new law. Too many young and/or small kids are not buckled in cars properly (or at all). And far too many are sitting in the front seat of the car. Parents, grandparents, baby-sitters, etc., need to be aware of the safety rules and follow them. Don't give in to whining or complaining by the kids or teasing by others. Just explain that it's the law and you love your child and want him or her to be safe - period.

Our youngest son is 11 and because he is small for his age he is still using a booster seat. Because we've never made it a choice and because he can see out the car window better, he never complains.

For more information about Child Passenger Safety and Booster Seats, see the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) web site. You can also find a child safety seat inspection station schedule in Michigan or around the country to ensure your child's seat is installed properly and that you are using it correctly. You'd be surprised how many people find problems and how few people use safety seats at all.

How about you? Do you use safety seats based on size and age or have you abandoned them in favor of seat belts?

Vote and comment in our Cybersurvey.

Category: Summer and kids

Summer day camp = success

I can breathe easy and safely declare that my niece loves summer day camp! However, I was not feeling so confident after her first day, because it was not good at all.

Why is it that there is always at least one "mean girl" in the crowd that just has to wreak havoc? Unfortunately, my niece happened to be the target of her mean ways Monday. Despite the drama and without protest, she moved on and attended the second day of the summer program. Let me tell you that the child I brought home Monday was certainly not the child who came home with me Tuesday.

This was a relief because I had come down with a bad case of guilt Monday. After checking her in to the camp, I drove away slowly and I watched as she walked into the park and sat alone on a swing. All I could think was after all that she has been through, how could I now drop her off in the hands of these strangers and without the comfort of knowing a single person? The image of her swinging on that swing alone stayed with me throughout the day. Then to have her come home from her first day in tears filled me with a guilt that I had never felt before - this was "mommy guilt" I was told.

My friends and co-workers assured me it was normal to feel this way and it probably would not be the last time I would feel like this. They all told me stories about their experiences of dropping off kids at daycare or even grandma's house and the guilt they felt as they left for work. I was not prepared for this; I didn't think that I would feel like this for summer day camp. After all, this was supposed to be fun.

Thankfully, my guilt has faded and I think I can safely say the rest of the summer will be great.

How's your summer going so far? How are your kids spending their time this summer? When's the last time you had a case of mommy guilt?