Sideline Satire

Category: Sideline Satire

Posted by Tony Augusty on Mon, Sep 8, 2008 at 2:53 AM

Upon Further Review, Week 1

"Picking up where we kicked off"
Ah, another NFL season. A time of new promise and familiar stories. The Lions will finally be winners. Tom Brady will be his usual invincible self. So let's take a look at the scores here ... hmm. The Lions lost, huh? Wait, Brady's INJURED? Er, never mind...

Daunte's inferno
Former NFL quarterback Daunte Culpepper should make sure his phone is plugged in today. Culpepper, 31, announced his retirement last week after failing to catch on with an NFL team. He should expect some calls today morning, possibly from the Patriots and Titans.

Quarterbacks Tom Brady and Vince Young both left their respective games because of knee injuries. Brady reportedly tore his ACL, which means he could be done for the season. Young, who plays for the Titans, was later seen on crutches.

Culpepper, theoretically in his prime, says he retired because he didn't want to be a backup. If these Week 1 injuries turn out to be serious, he might be back in uniform soon, and in the game. Then again, there's always Vinny Testeverde.

Comeback QB
Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme, who missed the final 13 games of last season after undergoing elbow surgery, elbowed the Chargers out of the win column with a last-second, end-zone pass to Dante Rosario.

The game marked yet another disappointing start for the Chargers, who every season seem to be mentioned as Super Bowl contenders but never quite get there. Early prediction: Expect more of the same this season.

Dumb rule of the week
The Colts held the grand opening for Lucas Stadium, their brand-new, $712 million complex, and celebrated by opening the retractable roof before the game.

That's not the dumb part.

According to NFL rules, the Colts must decide no less than 90 minutes before game time whether to open the roof, and once it's open, the roof can't be closed, unless officials determine there is a safety hazard.
Ah, there's the dumb part.

Isn't the whole point of having a retractable roof that you can CLOSE it when the weather gets bad? Why else would you have it? What, will coach Tony Dungy suddenly say, "You know, I think we should play in really crappy weather. That'll give us an edge."

On top of that, taxpayers are footing about $612 million of the construction costs for a stadium that will host about 10 events a year, eight of those being Colts games.

Looks like we've found something to put at the end of the bridge to nowhere.

P.S.
And why do broadcasters insist on calling games between former Super Bowl opponents "rematches"? The Colts and Bears played for the title TWO YEARS ago. Do you know how long that is in NFL years? It's enough time for 25 Bengals to get arrested. Just call it a game.

Illegal hit
All players will wear a patch on their uniforms this season honoring Hall of Famer and union head Gene Upshaw, who died of cancer a few weeks ago. As a further tribute to Upshaw, the NFL announced it will also take away additional benefits from retired players.

Ocho Stinko
Our most amusing moment from Sunday: looking at the Bengals box score and seeing "Chad Ocho Cinco" listed at wide receiver. The former Mr. Johnson has legally changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco. Weird, right? But hey, if he wants to call himself Javon, who are we to judge?
The NFL does judge, however, and made its lead showman wear his old name, Johnson, on his jersey instead of the Spanish eight and five. Blame that on why Ocho Cinco had uno reception for dos-dos (22) yards as the Ravens beat the Bengals, 17-10.

Strictly commercial
Strangest moment from the opening weekend: Seeing a commercial for NFL.com, set to the song "Every Day Is Like Sunday" by mope-rock pioneer Morrissey. In the song, Morrissey is so bored he wants someone to drop a nuclear bomb on his town.
The NFL is fine with this but not Ocho Cinco?

A very Brady disaster
Early Sunday afternoon, we felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of supermodels suddenly cried out in terror and silenced their televisions. It turns out Tom Brady hurt his knee, possibly a torn ACL.

Brady is reportedly done for the season. This is the doomsday scenario for the Patriots, who depend on the reigning NFL MVP more than any other team does on any other player. Sure, Matt Cassel did well enough as a fill-in; New England beat Kansas City 17-10. But this isn't like Brett Favre replacing Don Majkowski, or Brady replacing Drew Bledsoe. It's more like Tim Hasselbeck replacing Matt Hasselbeck.
Be afraid, Bill Belichick.

Favre from done
We couldn't have written a better story: Brett Favre escapes from a retirement home in Green Bay, makes his way to the New York Jets, then leads them to a last-second victory over in the season opener.

Actually, we did write it better. The reality is Favre kneeled on the sideline in the final minutes, powerless, as his defense held off a late rally by the Dolphins to win 20-14.

After the game, Favre told the Associated Press, "I'm a New York Jet. I don't know about a native New Yorkian, or however you say it." Wow. We don't want to say Favre has lost it in his old age. That would imply he had it to begin with.

Quote of the day
"They're looking at him, doing some tests on him, so I don't have any information there ... doubt anybody's interested."

-- Bill Belichick, Patriots coach, cracking a rare smile as he talked about Brady's injury. Belichick was immediately rushed to the hospital with torn facial muscles.

Category: Sideline Satire

Posted by Tony Augusty on Tue, Aug 26, 2008 at 3:15 AM

A look back(side) at the Olympics: Photo essay

"Who is ever gonna run this?"

The question came from one of my bosses one night, shortly after the Beijing Olympics had started. On his screen was a photo of a female gymnast's butt. There was no way on earth any newspaper would run this photo, yet there it was.

It turns out there were quite a few of these pictures -- mostly in beach volleyball. Close-up shots of women's butts. Another picture had a woman's body, but not her head. One was a picture of a high-jumper's abs.

I wondered why these photos were ever sent across the wire. No paper would run these.

But a blog?

A blog definitely would. So I looked through more than 30,000 photos from the Olympics (really) and put together the following photo essay of alleged photojournalists getting a bit, well, pervy...


Click here for Sideline Satire Presents: A look back(side) at the Olympics


Category: Sideline Satire

Posted by Tony Augusty on Mon, Aug 11, 2008 at 2:35 PM

Reel Hilarity: Mascots scaring people

Check out these clips of the mascot for the Houston Rockets, and some dude in a banana suit at a hockey game, scaring the crap out of fans by pretending to be statues. I never get tired of seeing these...

IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!!!

Category: Sideline Satire

Posted by Tony Augusty on Fri, Aug 8, 2008 at 2:10 PM

Kenny Perry a late scratch from PGA Championship

Golfer Kenny Perry withdrew from the PGA Championship at Oakland Hills on Thursday after shooting an opening-round 79. Perry said he scratched his cornea while removing a corrective lens the night before, but tried to play the next day with the lenses in anyway.

Hmm. I didn't know golf was a contact sport.

Category: Sideline Satire

Posted by Tony Augusty on Wed, Jul 30, 2008 at 9:24 PM

Reel Hilarity: Worst uniform introduction ever.

Check out this video of European soccer club Bayern Munich debuting their new uniforms. You know, there's probably a reason why interpretive dance is absent from most sports...

Sooo... they're trying to sell these to fans, right? Hmm, maybe Bayern has a prententious-choreography fan base.

Category: Sideline Satire

Posted by Tony Augusty on Mon, Jul 28, 2008 at 3:10 PM

Reel Hilarity: Pretty awsome Harry Carey impression

Will Ohman of the Braves does an impressive Harry Carey impersonation as he introduces his teammates before a game on Fox. Best line: "Mark is batting third" (watch and you'll understand):

Category: Sideline Satire

Posted by Tony Augusty on Wed, Jul 23, 2008 at 1:34 PM

Shock and Sparks brawl video: You know you wanna watch

Check out this brawl between the Detroit Shock and Los Angeles Sparks on Tuesday night:

The brawl (yes, it was at The Palace; no it wasn't anything close to the Pistons-Pacer brawl) had the News sports department huddled around the televisions, a rare occurrence during WNBA season. My first thought was, "Wow, Rick Mahorn's still got it."


A WNBA brawl is an odd thing. Best example: Watch Mahorn pushed down Lisa Leslie in the middle of the brawl (check the top left of the screen around the 22-second mark). Then watch DeLisha Milton-Jones of the Sparks come to Leslie's aid.


She pushes Mahorn. Or at least she tried to. She might as well have been pushing an elephant. And did you see Mahorn? He turns and gives Milton-Jones an "is you crazy?" kind of look. If this were an NBA game, he would have knocked the hyphen out of Milton-Jones. Remember one thing, Sparks:


Bad Boys never die.


It's as simple as that. I don't think Mahorn meant to knock Leslie down; he just flashed back to his playing days and forgot he was trying to stop a woman, not Robert Parish.


I put this brawl on Sparks rookie Candace Parker and her inexperience. Plenette Pierson was simply blocking out on a free throw, Parker overreacted and Pierson, well, you saw what happened. But it's no coincidence Mahorn and coach Bill Laimbeer were in the thick of it. They were masters of mixing it up in their playing days. They played hard-nosed. They've passed those lessons on to a new generation, a female generation.


All hail the Bad Girls. It's Hammer Time again.


The WNBA condemned the brawl, said it set a bad example (and BTW, did you see Leslie citing the fact she's a mother during the postgame interview? Shut up; no one cares.). They shouldn't. For a struggling league, any press is good press. There are a lot of people today talking about the WNBA that couldn't care less on Monday. Including me. If the Shock can make young fans hate the Sparks as much as I hated the Celtics (especially Kevin McHale and Danny Ainge, whom I still despise) during the Bad Boys' heyday, they will go a long way toward making the WNBA a powerhouse.


Most intriguing of all, this was the only game scheduled between the Sparks and the Shock this season. That means they won't meet again -- unless both squads make it to the WNBA Finals. Wow, can you imagine the excitement level if that happens?

I can. Yeah, I still don't care, either. Hope there'll be some fights.

Category: Sideline Satire

Posted by Tony Augusty on Tue, Jul 22, 2008 at 12:30 PM

Athletes are nice guys, too

Thought I'd point out some good deeds performed by two sometimes-controversial sports figures.

Terrell Owens helps out after a journalist gets bashed ...

... and Charles Barkley bets on a busboy's future.

Category: Sideline Satire

Posted by Tony Augusty on Mon, Jul 21, 2008 at 1:33 PM

Ooo, Danica Patrick fight

Did you know that Danica Patrick isn't the only female driver in Indy car racing? And have you noticed how she always seems to get into fights? It's like Don King or Tony Stewart had a daughter, then abandoned her at a racetrack.

Check out Danica's latest dustup, during practice for the Honda Indy 500 in Lexington, Ohio this past weekend. Danica approaches driver Milka Duno and gets in her face. Duno, being a diplomatic sort, does what any of us would have done: She throws a towel in Danica's face. Twice. Check it out:

Not that it's important, but Patrick finished 12th, Duno 23rd. Way to promote the sport, ladies.

Category: Sideline Satire

Posted by Tony Augusty on Mon, Jul 14, 2008 at 3:03 PM

Reel Hilarity: "300" On Ice

What do the Ottawa Senators and the movie "300" have in common? Right, nothing at all. Yet the Senators had a fake Spartan introduce the team before a game in April. Unfortunately, the fake Spartan forgot the two most important characteristics of a true Spartan:

  • A helmet that fits.
  • A reliable audio system.
Check out the hilarity below. And hang on, hockey fans. Only a few more months until the NHL is back.

About this Weblog

About this blog

Tony Augusty is a copy editor/writer in The Detroit News Sports department. His views do not necessarily reflect those of The News. Actually, let's be safe and just say they never reflect the paper's views. Ever.

E-mail Tony Augusty at taugusty@detnews.com

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